A Day in the Life

I am often surprised at the things children say or that pop out of my mouth while I am substitute teaching (no, I have never swore at them despite what some of you may be thinking but that doesn't mean I don't think it). Sometimes kids are funny and other times you just want to punch them in the face or at least be present when someone else does. These are some of those stories (insert Law and Order GA-GUNG! here).

I meet a lot of different kids from different backgrounds that have some pretty interesting names, but since everyone seems to want their child to have a unique name that's not what's surprising. It's the kids who have outdated names like Harold and Patti. I was teaching in a dual language class this week and occasionally what I'm trying to say in Spanish mixes with what I say in English. One such incident resulting in me calling a first grader "Potty" instead of "Patty." I tried to correct myself and pretend that it hadn't happened, but I think the damage was done.

Sometimes kids are surprised at my age as well as my marital status. These are two real conversations I had this week with the same first grade class:

Student: Are you still in college?

Me: No.

Student: Are you done with college?

Me: Yes.

Student: What?! You still look like you are in high school!

What I am thinking: Says the kid who looks like she belongs in fourth grade. I hope you look old and wrinkly at 30. Maybe I should find it as a compliment, but I don't.

Different Student: Oh, I couldn't tell if you were married.

What I was thinking: Uh, I wrote "Mrs." on the board. Can't you read?

What I really said: Yes, I am.

Student: I couldn't tell because you don't have a diamond on your ring and women who are married have diamonds on top.

Fact: I do have a diamond in my ring. Apparently also a fact: It is not visible to the naked eye.

I also had a dual language job this past week with fifth graders. They each have a writing and reading notebook for class. Not surprisingly there were several who didn't write their names on them or were convinced that someone else had stolen theirs (of course, that didn't happen but kids are too ridiculous to realize that nobody wants your stupid notebook). One that had no name was covered in pictures of Obama and I thought surely someone would remember this belonged to them. One student said, "Oh, it's so-and-so's." He happened to be black and this was his response:

"That ain't mine. Don't be assuming that just cause I'm black that it's my notebook. Geez!" It was kind of funny, but I did feel a little bad that everyone assumed it was his.

On the virtues of PB

This last week we spent Friday afternoon working in a Church welfare Peanut Butter factory in North Houston. It was cool because it was like watching How is it Made. Although more realistically, it was like watching a three minute clip of How is it Made over and over again for five hours. It was great though. Some people say that once you see how something is made it either loses its mystic or becomes too gross to eat it any more, but not so with Peanut Butter. I still love it. The only thing that could have made it better was if it was a Nutella factory...

To the Victor Go the Spoils

Well, I finally won one. Months of groceries at Albertsons and Yahtzee card after Yahtzee card and my dreams finally came true. My prize: one dollar in cash.

I've probably worked harder for this one dollar than any other dollar I've earned in my life. What finally led to my success was the Yahtzee promotion was ending and a sympathetic clerk (whose identity shall be protected to stop the fatcats at Albertsons from firing him) at Albertson's gave us a stack of about 40 yahtzee cards. I guess it was just a numbers game.

I guess my enthusiasm for stupid promotions like this one started when I was young. I was in fourth grade when my friends and I were convinced that by combining our all of our efforts and monopoly pieces, we were going to win something from the McDonald's Monopoly games. It seemed like you could always collect two out of the three pieces for each monopoly, but there was always that one that eluded you. There were always rumors that someone in our class had one of the fabled rare monopoly cards and we would talk about combining our pieces to win whatever ridiculous prize it was: a big screen t.v., some jetskis, or one million dollars. I never seemed to give up my unfounded optimism.

I guess some part of me is still that naive little fourth grader, waiting for his big break of some sweet awesome McDonald's jetskis.

P.S. this is not a lottery ticket and we didn't pay for it. Furthermore we shop at Albertsons anyway. I'm cheap and I like games and I like free stuff. I'm not stupid.

That's What You Get For Eavesdropping

After being married to Steve for the past 16 months I have realized that we often have some very interesting and sometimes strange conversations. They seem normal to us, but if you were to listen in during certain parts would probably be thinking, "What the?!" So, for those of you who are easily offended/grossed out (you know who you are) this is not the post for you. As for the rest of you, enjoy.

I love to have my back scratched. Every day. And Steve learned that as soon as we got married. However, Steve is not the best back scratcher out there. And he knows because sometimes I have to move his hand for him and it gets uncomfortable after awhile. Really, I shouldn't have to scratch my own back. I told him if my back was a lawn he would be doing the worst job in history. He mows so much in one spot that it burns the grass and doesn't doing anything anywhere else making the other half of my back the part of your lawn where grass grows so long that it turns to seed. And he even agreed with me.

Steve has a unique sense of humor and I often don't know what to do with it. He embarrasses me ALL THE TIME even when we are all by ourselves. He was supposed to be hanging up a whiteboard for me in our kitchen, so of course he needed his leveler and stud finder. He proceeded to use the latter on himself. Once he ran it over his chest he made his own out-of-control beeping noise followed by the claim that it exploded. It did not.

He also likes to do things that embarrass me in public. While on vacation in North Carolina my sister took us to a historic mill. Inside they have a box of clothes pioneer-ish in nature for both kids and adults to dress up in. My nieces got dressed up and I was thinking that they were so cute. Well, then Steve decides he also wants to dress up while making ridiculous faces. If he was trying to flirt it was not working. All I could think about was that he looked like he was either going coon hunting or getting ready to make turtle soup (that is real, people made it on my mission and I bet you can guess where they lived).

Now, I HATE stepping in dog poop. Who doesn't. But the thing that really drives me crazy is that it gets stuck deep into the crevices on the bottom of your shoes and it doesn't matter how much you drag your foot across the grass, that smell follows you EVERYWHERE you go. It seems that you can never really get rid of it. One night in bed I was thinking that having stepped in both dog and horse crap I have decided that dog smells way worse because of its potent odor and lingering-ness. So I asked Steve why that is since he does know why urine and feces are colored the way they are (he waited until after dinner to tell me). He replied, "I don't know. I'm not a poo-ologist." If you know the answer, please feel free to comment.

About a week ago the speaker in church spoke about serving his mission in South Carolina. He proceeded to say that the missionaries called it the Butthole of the Bible Belt. I was shocked when I did not hear offended gasps and muffled laughs. Not even from Steve (that's where he served his mission-he would have laughed not gasped). So I leaned over to Steve and asked, "Didn't he just say that South Carolina was the Butthole of the Bible Belt?" Steve smiled and leaned over to say, "No, he said buckle." Wow. I am so glad that I did not laugh out loud.

And our last conversation piece is my personal favorite, but may not be appropriate for a young audience. When Steve and I first got married I noticed that he did not use much toilet paper. I got concerned that Steve might not be using enough, so I confronted him about the issue. He told me that guys don't usually use toilet paper when they pee. Let me tell you, this was news to me. I had five sisters growing up and there always seemed to be a shortage (someone always left an empty roll, which was only sometimes me). At first I thought this was so great to have all this toilet paper pretty much to myself. But then I thought Steve should use it anyway because it would be more clean. My argument did not sway him then and does not now. Even when I told him he would have a lot more cooties down there than he would otherwise. His response: "You mean lewd-ies."

Pics from Utah-lina (see Megan's stories below)

Megan and her nieces Mary and Emma, and her sister Kristin

Carolina Beach

First time for Megan fishing at Strawberry Reservoir, UT

Wakeboarding at Utah Lake

Megan in the "Green Mistress"

Triple Boarding : Steve on wakestate, Tyler and Tom on wakeboards

Megan training to be a sniper with her scoped .22: 25 round Banana clip included.

Me shooting the .45, or "Cowboy gun" as Megan calls it

Trying to brush up on our Texas heritage

It's more green in UT than TX right now, we miss the mountains

Megan in the Rhino

Wildflowers at Strawberry Reservoir

Goin' to Utah-lina in My Mind

We recently returned from our 3 week escapade across the United States, but really just North Carolina and Utah. We enjoyed a week long vacation at Carolina Beach where there was warm water, unlike those of you loyal to your California beaches. Vacation does not constitute freezing my butt off. If it requires a wet suit, forget it. Steve attempted to teach me to boogie board and his first attempt was quite unsuccessful. It ended with me not having ridden a single wave and believing that I was going to drown. At one point I may have believed that he was doing it on purpose. The trick seemed to be me wearing some ridiculous looking goggles to cover my eyes and nose. Keep in mind the water went barely above my belly button. I will not be posting a picture as I look ridiculous. I'd rather not have that circulating on the internet forever. Unlike Steve, I still have a little bit of shame left.

We also discovered that hard wood floors are not a good idea as we listened to Alyssa fall down an entire flight of stairs while terrified children awaited their death on the landing below. We also learned that if a kid sits on the beach for too long, their swimsuit will fill up with sand and look like they pooped. I guess Steve learned his lesson. I also let my family bury me in the sand and shape me into a mermaid. For some reason, my niece thought it was a go

od idea to put sand down the back of my swimsuit. Seeing as how I was stuck there was nothing I could do to get her back. However, when Alyssa did the same thing to her she did not laugh. Thankfully, they finished shaping me before the tide came in and my legs lost all feeling.

On our trip to Utah, Steve's dad took us fishing for the first time in my life. He said that I would know if I caught a fish because I would feel a very distinct jerk on the fishing pole. Well I did. So I reeled it in and what did I catch? About a foot and a half of moss. What a rip off. We also went on a four wheeler ride while we laughed at some boy scouts pedaling their guts out up a hill. I hope they heard us. Suckas! I screamed twice during the excursion when Steve almost took the life of a chipmunk and a baby dear. Thankfully their lives were spared and I'll take credit for it. Here's a picture of some of the wildflowers in Utah around strawberry reservoir.

We also attended my friend Elizabeth's wedding. And while waiting for the sealing to start, Steve leaned over and said, "I really miss Charlie." I am unsure as to why he decided to tell me that then. Maybe he just needed to be validated by our kitty's love.

Oh the pain...the pain!

THE FOLLOWING STORY IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. The past couple of weeks I have been working in a pediatric clinic. A common problem in pediatrics is that as infants genitals develop, the skin sometimes adheres and starts to fuse a little bit. If you don't want to hear a story about genital adhesions, stop reading now. This happens in both boys and girls, though I think it's more common in girls. This last Wednesday there was a lady that came in with her son that was maybe 3 years old. The doctor told the patient's mom he would need to separate the adhesion. "It's okay, it doesn't hurt them near as much as it would me or him (as he points to me, the only other male in the room)" the doctor reassured her. Well, as the doctor started to pull the adhesion apart, the 3 year old began to scream and kick. The doctor motioned for help holding down the kid and before I could help, the other 2 medical students (both female) grabbed the kids legs. So if you can imagine the scene: the is a mom holding a thrashing and screaming three year old, the doctor inflicting the pain, two female medical students holding the kids legs, and me sitting back watching in shear terror. The ordeal lasted about a minute before the doctor was done, looked up, and burst into laughter as he saw me backed up, almost in the corner of the room, with my lower body turned away towards the wall, perhaps in a subconscious protective reflex. Later, the doctor dictated his note in a pseudo-serious scientific tone, "The procedure caused quite a bit of pain and discomfort to both the patient and our male medical student."

Since I would not want to add any pictures to this story (it is graphic enough as it is), here is a picture of us in downtown Houston a couple weeks ago at the Ballet to see Taming of the Shrew. Yes, I am soooo cultured. And to further establish just how cultured I am, here is a video of me using a laser to try and teach the cat to turn the lights off for us. There are different kinds of cultured.