Oh, Come on Charlene

Seeing as how I am sick at home with laryngitis and I did a whole lot of nothing yesterday, I figure that it's time to blog.  As some of you have heard Steve and I SORT OF have another cat.  I say that only because we don't officially own her (we don't even know if it is actually a girl as she wouldn't cooperate when Steve tried to check, but she came with a hot pink collar so I made a Sherlock deduction).  She showed up one day curled up in my flower pot on our porch when it was a very cold windy night (I assume she is the culprit for why my lily won't grow this year).  I know it sounds like I made the weather part up, but it does occasionally get cold and that night the temperature was going to drop into the 30s.  I felt so bad for the cat because she was obviously very cold, so I made Steve create a small warm house using Charlie's cat carrier.  We thought that she would be gone the next day, but no.  She was sitting on our porch the next morning waiting for Steve.  Our neighbor happened to mention later that she sometimes feeds the cat because she thinks the previous owners moved and LEFT THE CAT BEHIND.  Who does that to a pet?!

So I told Steve I would try to figure out where we could take her.  She is such a sweet cat and is VERY affectionate (deep down we think Charlie feels threatened by the new cat on the block).  We have also seen her scale the tree outside our apartment in pursuit of a squirrel and was about 15 feet up.  I was impressed and wished that she had been hanging out at our house last spring when all those pesky birds came back.  Maybe this year...Anyway, it appears that either her tail was run over or maybe slammed in a door.  The end result is a broken tail that healed in an L-shape or sometimes a question mark when she curls it up.  All  that did was make me feel even more bad for her.  Here is a picture to prove that I am not making this up.

Steve keeps claiming that we don't own the cat and she doesn't live here, but guess what?  She waits for Steve to come home EVERYDAY and she follows him to the car when he leaves.  He named her Charlene (against my wishes), bought her a food dish and feeds her twice a day, but then he says we are not keeping her.  Also, he has made no effort to call a shelter.  So whatever Steve tells you, he is LYING!!!!  Here is some video footage of our cat getting mad at the one outside.  Steve now thinks it's funny to put him in the window just so he can hear Charlie's pitiful growls and hisses.

Happy Birthday to Me!

My birthday was almost two weeks ago and I turned the big 2-6.  Steve asked me for months what I would like to do and we ended up deciding to see the Harlem Globetrotters.  We considered a Monster Truck rally, but the other one was closer to my birthday.  We had a lot of fun, but I will admit that it probably would be more awesome if you had children.  Now that I think about it, we were some of the few who didn't.  My favorite part about my birthday was a toss-up between eating the large box of doughnuts or eating deep fried wings.  I know that these things are a heart attack in a box, but I think I earned them.  I have survived the last 26 years.

Enjoying the Holy Grail of doughnuts

Just hanging out on the fifth row

Murder She Wrote...

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WANT A GLIMPSE INTO OUR REAL LIVES (A.K.A. Those that are easily offended or judgy, yep judgy is a real word).

The interesting thing about having a conversation with Steve is that regardless of how ridiculous or inappropriate the subject matter is, he continues having it in his normal tone of voice thereby encouraging its current route.  This is a real conversation, but you need to keep in mind that I was still recovering from a migraine after having taken a lot of medicine.  Even I acknowledge that many things sounded ridiculous after I thought about them.

Megan:  Steve, I can never serve a mission with you as an old person.  I would end up killing you.
Steve:  I know.
Megan:  And you know that it will be really slow because it'll take me forever to do anything at that point.
Steve:  Slow might not be so bad.  How would you kill me?
Megan:  I don't know.  It would depend on what's available at the time.  Maybe a shovel or a rolling pin.
Steve:  Ewww.  What about just increasing my medication dosage over time?
Megan:  Ummm, like Viagra?
Steve:  Actually, that might work.  It might cause systemic hypotension and cerebral ischemia.
Megan:  Well, then maybe I'll do that instead.  Less messy.
Steve:  But I don't want to die right now.
Megan:  I wasn't going to kill you right now.  I would get hardly any insurance money.  I was thinking when you retire because then you'll have lots of money saved up.  You have at least another 40-50 years before I do that.
Steve:  I can live with that.

                                                    ***DISCLAIMER***
I would never actually kill Steve.  I feel bad when I lock the cat in timeout in the bathroom even when he destroys something.  If you're going to judge anyone, it should be Steve.  He continued having this conversation regardless of the fact that his wife was heavily medicated.

What do you get when you cross a cat with a comic book?

Growing up I really liked comic book cartoons, X-Men being my favorite.  Deep down I hoped that I could one day have wolverine claws of my own.  I don't know what I planned on doing with them other than learning how to slice the perfect thickness of cheddar for my grilled cheese sandwiches.  I also loved Batman and still do.  We will probably end up seeing the new Batman movie on opening day and again when it goes to Redbox...as well as a bazillion more times when we one day buy it.  Steve knows these things because constantly tell him how much I loved such-and-such cartoon and which movies seem to find their way into our DVD player more often that I'd be comfortable admitting.  This year Steve decided to make me a homemade gift based on comic book characters....using my cat.  This all started when my sister Emily sent me a "Bible Cats" themed calendar last year for Christmas. It's pretty much pictures of cats photoshopped in ridiculous ways to recreate scenes from the Bible. It features pictures of Sampson & Da-feline, Pawting the Red Sea and, my personal favorite, Joseph and Pawtifur's Wife.  Obviously, there are more, but I would like you to see the feature presentation.  My cat, Charlie, is the hero on each page, not the ugly villains.  Disclaimer: No cats were harmed in the shooting of this calendar.

Charlie is labeled as Beast #1 because I had him before Steve and I got married.  Steve is Beast #2, kind of like Thing 1 and Thing 2 from Dr. Seuss.

My personal favorite because I love Charlie's face.

Steve had to force Charlie into this pose on the floor.  Don't worry, he was rewarded for his cooperation.

I wish there really was a Catman.

I love this one because he reminds me of Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory," who happens to have Charlies body type.

I would like you all to know that the fat cat above is NOT my cat, just his head.

Steve even added some blonde hair to make it more authentic.

The Real Reason We Keep Facebook

Steve and I don't find Facebook to be terribly useful unless we are plugging our blog or seeing if anyone has posted anything funny or interesting (in that order).  Someone had this on Steve's news feed and I thought I was going to die laughing...mainly after reading numbers 4, 8, 10, and 13.  Enjoy!  (P.S. Don't lie to yourself.  We all experience and think these things.)

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.  

Halloween is the second best holiday of the year.  Sadly, I spent it sick in bed unable to feast on the VERY large bowl of Halloween candy I bought for "trick or treaters."  Let's be honest, I knew no one would come (just like last year and that conveniently allowed us to eat every piece that I bought).  I bought the candy for me and I didn't even get to enjoy it on the one day you're allowed to eat as much garbage as you want.  Except Almond Joys, they will always be trash and I will always give them to my dad.  I spent the morning vomiting and laying nauseated in bed only to spend the afternoon at the doctor's office with an unidentified person that reeked of urine.  I seriously considered vomiting in the waiting room to get back at them, but then it made feel bad.  But to be fair, I hate the smell of stale urine more than boogers and I HATE boogers a lot.  You can ask Steve.  The point is that we had to celebrate the day after because I wasn't going to wait an entire year.  I might die and then I'd be mad I missed it.  Just like Sally when the Great Pumpkin never showed up.

Anyway, we decided to carve our pumpkins while listening to the soundtrack from "The Nightmare Before Christmas."  It's become a tradition and why not, it is one of the best movies ever.  I still remember when it came out when I was in  elementary school and my mom said I couldn't see it.  She probably thought it was evil, but she also didn't want us to see Toy Story (I'm convinced it was because of the creepy doll head with Erector set spider legs).  But I ended seeing it at someone else's house and told my dad repeatedly how much I loved it.  And then he bought it.  And we watched it a million times...until he put a limit on how often we could watch it because it was getting out of hand (true story-Lys will confirm its validity).  Now I only watch it every Halloween and Christmas (yes, I consider that self-control).  I tried to convince Steve that he should carve Oogey Boogey to match my Jack Skellington, but the skull is what he chose instead.  He did, however, promise that one day I could have a pumpkin patch (which he will plant for me) so that I can do the whole Halloween Town.  Or at least a good chunk of it.  What about our children carving some of our pumpkins?  Uh, they don't get any.  And a 50% candy tax will be enforced.  Next year I will try to steady my hands and not saw off Jack's eyebrow along with a few of his teeth.

Steve's Trick-or-Treat Skull and the Annual Jack Skellington

Our Cup O' Dirt & Worms

More like the Museum of FUNeral History

Yesterday in honor of Halloween in a couple of weeks we went to the National Museum of Funeral History in Houston. We're talking NATIONAL. Not no silly state or community run Museum of Funeral History. Nothing but the best for us. We went because a friend found it on tripadvisor and it sounded entertaining (by the way its #8 for "things to do" in Houston). And it sure was.

Megan in the Dracula coffin with the little kid Dracula cape

From a Dracula photo op, to learning about embalming, to President Lincoln's hair, to the pope mobile, to a casket in the shape of a huge cheetah, the Houston National Museum of Funeral History has it all. It's really your place to go for all things dead. The Dracula photo op seemed a little irreverent for a funeral museum, but given our immaturity and the museum clerk lady with the thick southern accent telling us to "take all the photos ya like", we just couldn't resist. I'm not a bad Dracula either with my pasty white skin and huge K-9s (seriously I actually had to ask my Dentist to shave them down after my mission because a little kid at Church asked me if I was a vampire, my Dentist of course tried to convince me to keep my fangs because all the girls were into this guy Edward that I had never heard of before, I thought he was lying until I found out that Twilight was actually a thing).

As we were driving home were tired just sort of sitting there in silence. I was just zoning out and trying to pay attention to the road, Megan was of course thinking on more important matters (I love how her mind works, she entertains me). Out of the blue she voiced her feelings, "Isn't it just mocking chickens that we call their bones drumsticks? I mean, it's already degrading enough being a chicken and getting eaten. It's like were saying to them, 'I'm gonna eat you and use your dead carcass and bones to play the drums.' It's kind of like a slap in the face to chickens." I had to laugh and agree, it was well thought out and she was right.

Megan has had some trouble sleeping lately and the doctor prescribed her Ambien. I've been thinking I need to start writing down some of the things she says when she's a little zonked. Last night in her Ambien delirium she told me that I was like a huge whale and she wished that she could blow me up  so that she could be famous on YouTube. Here's a link if you don't know what I'm talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_t44siFyb4

A selection of tasteful coffins for the predeceased