Put Your Big Boy Pants On

For those of you who are easily offended, this is not the blog post for you.  To those of you who may have been expecting a humorous or entertaining post, you will be disappointed.  And if you find yourself getting offended while reading, you'll recover so walk it off and suck it up.  My stance on your offense lines up with Rhett Butler's feelings, so don't expect sympathy from me because you will get none.

Generally when I vent, it is to Steve in the privacy of our own home, but I would like to be perfectly clear and honest with those of you who constantly bitch and berate those that were born and raised in Utah like you are somehow better or more "enlightened" than those of us that did.  You're probably wondering what may have influenced this post.  I generally enjoy my ward here in Texas, but this week was not the first time people (teaching the lessons, no less) have felt the need speak with derision towards "Utah" Mormons simply because we grew up differently.  Please note that I did not say easier or harder, as it was neither.  It was simply different.

If I told you that when devil gets to the borders of Utah he stops and says, "Well.  I'm not allowed in there, so I'll just have to turn around" you would call me an idiot.  And I would be if I believed it, but that is more or less what you are implying when you say that it was somehow easier for us that grew up in Utah.  I can assure that it was not and none of my siblings would contest my stance.  We were no more immune to pain and suffering than the rest of you. When you say, "Oh, those Utah Mormons" like we somehow have a monopoly on "that" type of people, you're wrong.  In fact, I have never been to church in another state, or country for that matter, where I didn't see those very Mormons you are so quick to identifying as being "from Utah."

Ignorance is a choice you make REGARDLESS of your geographic home, not because of it.  Nor does growing up outside of Utah make you tolerant.  Tolerance is something that you learn; it is not an gift that God bestowed on you simply because you arbitrarily were not born in Utah.  

I find that one of the most common complaints is about how Utah drivers "are the worst drivers ever." I am uninterested in your anecdotal opinions and it is worth noting that our car insurance went up when we moved to Texas. Truthfully, Steve and I have found that the ones that complain the most often have less than stellar driving skills and records themselves (I'm trying to be generous here, but don't test me. I will name names).  If you were so foolish as to insult me while I am driving you may find yourself suddenly walking home.  I don't make threats I am not fully prepared to keep (Steve can vouch for that). If you are interested in actually finding out how your state as a whole ranks, do some research (or you can keep living in willful ignorance because it's easier than taking back your unfounded accusations).  In fact, for you lazy ones at there, I've already done some for you:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/galleries/2010/09/22/the-worst-drivers-in-america.html#slide1
http://www.insurancenetworking.com/news/Auto-insurance-state-rates-rankings-30054-1.html
http://www-fars.nhtsa.dot.gov/States/StatesCrashesAndAllVictims.aspx
http://www.usnews.com/news/slideshows/the-10-best-states-for-teen-drivers/3
http://www.usnews.com/news/slideshows/the-10-worst-states-for-teen-drivers/11
http://www.allstatenewsroom.com/channels/News-Releases/releases/where-do-american-cities-rank-in-eighth-annual-allstate-america-s-best-drivers-report

And my favorite of all is when people continue to demean Utah and its residents even after they go to school, work, and marry people from there.  It's not like BYU is twisting your arm saying you have to go there.  There are other members of the church at other schools in other states, so it's not like you have zero chance of ever getting married if *blasphemy* you go somewhere else.  If you hate Utah so much, DON'T GO THERE AND STOP WHINING ABOUT IT, because, surprise, surprise, we don't care.  If you don't like it, stay in your own state.  No one is forcing you to be miserable, so stop victimizing yourself and blaming your misery on a state.

Do not be fooled into thinking that I feel any obligation to be nice to you while you berate my home state and talk to me like you are somehow better than me simply because you grew up in a different geographic location.  Stereotyping, while sometimes true, is always incomplete.  Church is NEVER an appropriate place demean and berate others period.  If you really are interested in creating unity within the church, you should start by checking your over-generalizations at the door.

When you are ready to talk about an individual's actions or behavior, then I will listen to what you have to say.  But if you insist on making assumptions without any data of substance to back it up, I will probably rip you a new one.

Something Wicked This Way Comes....

Growing up I was a little bit of a scary movie junkie and now it seems as if all those movies are catching up with me.  I finally got Steve to watch "The Birds" this year and for as cheesy as a movie made in the 60's is, it could really happen.  I have been telling people that the birds are coming to peck our eyes out for years and here's my proof that I only speak the truth (threw that line in there for you, Lys).  We came out from Wal-Mart two weeks ago and the parking lot was COVERED in birds.  Since they crapped on our car in at least ten different places a few months ago and Steve thought this was his moment of vengeance.  Steve decided to drive all over the parking lot honking at them.  It wouldn't be untrue if I told you he was laughing a little maniacally and probably having too much fun doing it.  You know it's a sad day when I have to be the voice of reason telling him that although there were two other cars doing the same thing, we should probably leave before someone reports our license plate number to PETA.

I made Steve drive slowly so that they didn't break through our windshield.

See, THEY'RE HERE (5 points to whoever gets that reference that is not my dad). You should all consider wearing goggles to your car from now on.

Steve TPed the cat to make him a mummy against my wishes, even if he was using our toilet paper from Costco.  I'm sure you can tell by Charlie's eyes that he is not happy.  Steve just feels the need to humble him every now and then.

I have to show you the back end so you can see how committed Steve was to  wrapping up Charlie.  I still think we should have him stuffed when he dies and pull him out every Halloween as part of our decorations.  If for no other reason than to gross my mom out.

Fuzzy Slipper Sign

As Megan and I were at the drive thru at Taco Bell on Saturday we watched and listened as the person in front of us yelled and berated the people through the intercom because they were not putting her order on the screen by the speaker. Watching someone explode like this over 99 cent tacos made me think of something I learned on my psychiatry rotation.

In medicine there are certain signs that go hand in hand with certain diseases. For example, Murphy's sign is positive when the examiner puts pressure under the patients liver and as the patient is inspiring they suddenly stop. It is associate with Cholecystitis, or inflammation of the gallbladder.

When I was on my Psychiatry rotation, I read a lot about a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder. It is characterized by a set of dysfunctional personality traits including unstable personal relationships, black and white thinking, problems with self image, self cutting, mood instability, and impulsiveness. This disorder is fairly common and you may know people with it: they tend to be manipulative, overly dramatic, sometimes overly hostile, and hate you one second love you the next second kind of people. It is exhausting and at times enraging to deal with them.

One of the residents on my psych rotation told me about the "Fuzzy Slipper Sign". She said that if a patient presents to the psych hospital and she is wearing fuzzy slippers, then they have Borderline Personality Disorder. Turned out the first patient I met with this was wearing pink fuzzy slippers and leopard print pants. I guess the Fuzzy slipper sign is true.

Confessions of the Glenn Household

1. To whoever decides to steal my wedding ring one day: HA HA (in Nelson-like manner).  Joke is on you, sucker.  That's how much it's worth.

2. I still watch my dad's movies that are recorded on VHS tapes.  Mostly from the 80's.

3. I have tried to get Steve to sit through episodes of "Charles In Charge."  He didn't even make it through one. (When I typed "Charles" the first time I wrote Charlie-Freudian slip.  That happens to be the name of my cat who thinks he is the boss.  Speaking of boss, does anyone that is not my sibling remember "Who's the Boss?"  What ever happened to Tony Danza?)  I thought he was a real babysitter for longer than I should have.  Random side note, he was also in "Diagnosis Murder," which I watched religiously for years after TGIF was over.

4. Steve wants me to bury him in the cheapest casket they sell at Costco.

5. Steve rickrolls me on a regular basis (out of all the 80's songs to know all the lyrics to that is the one he chooses).  He even does the voice.  But unlike the computer, I can't turn him off.

6. We probably eat our bodies' weight in treats every year.  It is a little sad, but I think I may still choose death over diet.  So maybe Steve will choose my casket instead.

7. When people appear shady to me usually my first thought is "I hope this guy isn't the next Norman Bates." In fact, I regularly use Hitchcock and King movies/stories to judge everything.  I know that birds will probably not peck my eyes out, but I feel the need to prepare myself just in case that clown is here to kill us all (FYI, this is a totally rational phobia).

8. Steve thought I made up the DSM-IV early on in our dating relationship.  Even after I proved that it was a real book I am still proving that I'm not making stuff up on a regular basis 3 years later.  Using APA citation guidelines is nothing after documenting my sources all this time.

9. I thought Steve was a dork in high school.  When I told him that he said, "Well, so were you."  Proof that Steve occasionally sinks to my level.

10. Steve said that he would consider letting me have a pig one day.  I feel the need to document this in case he tries to go back on it.  HERE'S MY PROOF.  I may need to get this blog post notarized. He also said that we could get a chocolate labradoodle (when we have money, so maybe never).

11. I love Twinkies (plain, frozen, roasted, and fried).  Who cares if I'm eating sweetened whipped lard?!  The breakfast of champions.

Wait For It (said in Shawn Spencer-like manner)

A couple years ago my little sister kept pestering me about watching "Psych."  I told her that I did not have any more room in my schedule for new shows.  She then tried to convince me that if I would just give it a chance that I would love it.  She brought it up for at least a year and then a few months after Steve and I got married I finally watched it....and then thought it was hilarious.  It took me a month to get Steve to watch it.  And now two years later I find myself not making plans for Saturday evening so that I can watch Psych re-runs on Ion Television.

So, the thing I love about Psych is the references to 80s movies and shows.  Also the occasional music video (as seen here).  Why you ask?  Because I have seen more of these movies than Steve might be comfortable letting me admit. There was this episode where Shawn and Gus are on a military base and Shawn says "I feel just like Michael Dudikoff."  I could not stop laughing.  Steve didn't really laugh, so I said, "Steve, it's so funny because it's just like American Ninja.  Didn't you want that movie with me?  It's an 80s ninja movie that my dad recorded on VHS."  This was followed by, "No Megan.  I never watched that with you."  I was concerned about being judged by Steve, so I felt obligated to defend the fact that I knew who Michael Dudikoff was even though I think it might be just me and the cast of Psych.  This is actually a normal occurrence and I make a case for why I know the things I know during at least half of the episodes (Random side note: one of the bad guys in American Ninja is also the neighbor Mr. Ochmonek from the series ALF, which I still watch courtesy of Hulu).

Now why am I telling you about the 80s?  Because I loved this movie called "Legend" (with Tom Cruise in his younger buck teeth years) when I was a kid and used to always say, "This reminds me of Legend" when I watched something else.  And then my sisters would tell me that I always thought that everything looked or sounded like it was from the movie and that it really didn't.  BUT this week I was vindicated.  We went to Snow White and the Huntsman this weekend (I'm not going to lie, I was rooting a little bit for the evil queen).  There is this part where Snow White pets this white deer and then it gets shot JUST LIKE IN LEGEND.  NO JOKE.  So I leaned over to Steve and said, "That was just like Legend."  And Steve agreed.  YES!!!  He initially thought I was talking about I Am Legend and thought that I crazy until I set the record straight. A little disclaimer here, if you did not see the movie early on in your life you should probably not watch it now.  It will be a little weird.  I know this because I made Steve watch it with me (also on a VHS tape), but before he watched he asked me what it was about.  My response when something like this: "It's about these magic unicorns and these evil goblins chop off the horn so they can have power to rule the world."  About the time I said "unicorn" Steve's face looked a little like I should be glad that we were already married so that he couldn't change his mind.  He says he wasn't judging me, but we both know he was.

Limitless Ways to Get Embarrassed

So, I am well aware of how embarrassed I get in awkward situations, but so is Steve.  And, unlike a compassionate person, Steve chooses to find opportunities to make me feel ridiculous (Thereby justifying me singing Forever Young or something from Beyonce late at night when we should be sleeping.  It is only fair.) While at Wal-Mart the other day I was trying to decide on which blow dryer to buy.  I spent awhile staring at them even though I know nothing about which one would be best to buy.  I finally decided to give up, but not before Steve said, "Well, I better go put this back."  Then of course I assumed that it was something he needed and I told him to put it back in the cart.  Not so.  What was it you ask?  A do-rag. Yep, Steve put in the cart to see how long it would take me to realize it was there.  So while I turned red he laughed his butt off.

Unfortunately, that was not the most awkward thing to have happen this week.  Steve and I like watching Burn Notice (Probably too much because I have the whole beginning memorized.  And I sometimes just say it to Steve.)  Fiona (no surprise) is my favorite.  While talking to my doctor's secretary the other day I was trying to say MRI, but instead said IRA.  I tried to cover it up and then she asked me, "Are you okay?"  When I told Steve about it later he laughed and said that at least I didn't say "Fiona" when she asked for my name.

Drum roll please....

So, for those of you that haven't heard I got into the Master's of Social Work program here at UT at Austin (a.k.a. A&M's rival school).  After a little over 5 months I was finally off the wait-list and accepted.  I didn't tell people at first because I was worried that they would have accepted the wrong person and then tell me I really didn't get in, but now it's legit because I paid my fee and received my welcome packet.  To celebrate, Steve bought me these shorts.  So enjoy this picture of my pasty white legs (FYI, you don't get tan during the summer because it's too hot to be outside, so this is normal).  Also, I will finally attend a school whose color is my favorite.  In the words of Tenacious D, it was destiny.

The Longhorn mascot is really small on the bottom right of the shorts.